Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
