Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
