proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
now i know why i became what i already was.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
