its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm having to shit out rocks
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