Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
