Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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