Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
