She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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