and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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