I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
