i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
