I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize