i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize