Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
well you can't waste a boner
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
