I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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