Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want her autograph on my taint
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
