finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
