Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
