you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
