Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize