Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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