I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
