Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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