I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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