I think i peed on brittanys purse
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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