I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
