I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
