I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
