Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
