I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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