I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
