broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
