just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
