fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
