I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How does it feel to date your dad?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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