I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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