you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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