We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
