I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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