I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
