Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
