Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize