Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
