Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
