my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
