good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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