and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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