I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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