I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
