Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
