my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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