someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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