Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
