Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Never joke about your clitoris.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
