I didn't shave. On purpose
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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