accomplished twins. life is a go
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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