I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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