She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
