my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize