we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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