rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
