Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
bring money and cleavage
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
