Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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