Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
