one two three fourrrrnication!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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